(Image - Together Through It All ©2024 Michelle Andres)
Sometimes, when things are broken, we don’t realize it.
This can happen with families, with household items, with brains.
Broken families aren’t always products of divorce.
Like many of us, I don’t come from a high functioning family. After I left home I did a lot of personal work to become a high functioning person. I steeped in introspection, got a 4 year chip, and culled most of the rotten fruit I might bring to the table. With a humble heart I started from ground zero and built a life surrounded by people who are kind, respectful, fun and open. I’ve been blessed with a relationship that’s solid, joyful, healthy and dependable. My husband and I have a couple decades under our belts of a healthy, (and more recently) God-centered marriage. It’s Heaven, truly.
When I was tasked with moving my parents back and finding them good care and a place to live I was pulled back into their whacked dynamic. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not hugely dysfunctional, but it sure didn’t feel right to me. At first, I didn’t realize what was happening, because I approached it with my “now” mindset. In my marriage I don’t have to play defensive ball. We share a mutual respect and I’m rarely required to set boundaries, much less firm ones. Stepping into caregiving with that mindset, I found myself spinning in the dysfunction, trying to make my parents happy. I know, you can’t make other people happy and you definitely can’t fix “old,” but I’ve knocked myself out trying to do so. There’s an entire therapy regimen around this one, I know! This has been a very tough one for me to reign in. They’re your parents…there’s a sense of duty to their whims.
Turn the page.
So, you’d think broken household items would be a cakewalk in comparison.
Uh, no. I’ve learned the pre-covid world is not today’s world. During the pandemic things broke. One of the most egregious of these is our healthcare system. I remember the days when doctors would request medical records from one another. Now, it’s my job. When parents can’t remember the names of their doctors it makes it for an endless game of Clue. I finally figured out it was Professor Plum with a lead pipe in the library. Whew! Then, I got to move on to things like Social Security, banking and most recently, cell phones that block my calls and ring only twice. Be prepared for these obstacles and don’t forget to set boundaries – where you can.
Turn the page.
Then there are brains. Caregiving creates a huge amount of stress, so you might find yourself asking, “Is it me, or is it me?”
My mother has dementia. There have been times early on when she’s said things or told a story and I’ve listened intently and tried to make sense of what's being said…only to realize she wasn’t firing off in a logical way and my mind was spun trying to follow her way of thinking. I am not her sister, my grandparents didn’t just die, I don’t look terrible today and didn’t say anything awful to her – though I wrack my brain trying to understand her upset. Finally, it dawned on me, “Oh, she’s broken.” Sometimes her words have been hurtful, a few times accusatory. When they arrived on the plane in the early days, she didn’t give me hug or say hello. She croaked through a crazy tight face mask, “You’re the mother now.” Uh, thanks - I don’t want that job.
I think grace is important during these times, not just for her, but for me. It’s not her intention to hurt or confuse me. It’s kind of like when you drift off in front of the TV and have these little vignettes play in your brain; they’re dreams that make no sense. I’m guessing it’s sort of like that. The other day she told me she sits and waits for me all day to come visit her. I wish she hadn’t said that. There is so much pressure and I’m so tired. When I do visit, the following day she’ll say, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages.” I’m wondering how bad it would be if I just took some time away, if she doesn’t recall my visits anyway. If I just took some time away would I be abandoning my beautiful mama? If I took some time away, would I finally beat this virus I’ve had for 3 weeks? If I took some time away would I finally get to reclaim my own one beautiful life?
Turn the page.
The other night I heard Matthew McConaughey talk about how his 91 year-old mother doesn’t stress. She’s quick to forgive, especially herself. “No grudges; anyone else or yourself.” When crappy stuff happens, MaMc just says, “Turn the page!” It’s my new motto, for I am just as deserving of grace as the grace I extend others.
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