Kind in my mouth, but if I’m to be completely honest, my head is sort of screaming.
Being alone and in a care-facility must feel quite isolating at times. My mother has been widowed for a little over 3 months now. As she ages and battles dementia her world has become smaller. It’s a blessing that the memory care facility she lives in goes above and beyond to get residents out of their rooms and engaged in activities. It’s 9:16 and she still hasn’t dressed for the day…but who am I to judge as I write this in a bathrobe? My behaviour reminds me a bit of that Johnny Depp movie, The Secret Window. He plays a writer who wears a brown bathrobe, like mine, and slowly goes insane. Finally, I’m sure I’m NOT going insane. Honestly, 1 parent is much easier than 2. But, since my Dad has passed, Mom is alone and this is all new to her.
So, my Mom sits in her room and pushes buttons on her phone. She calls multiple people, multiple times per day, just “checking her phone” she says. Sometimes there are group facetime calls. People don’t bother to answer, we all know.
I make sure to check in with her in the mornings and have a chat. Then, I try my best to go about the day, living my life, doing my work and taking care of all the “grown up” things. If I hear a quack, I don’t answer. If I hear a quack, I know she’s just pushing my buttons. There’s a pun there. Because, when I do answer, I intend to have a smile on my face and let kind and patient words spill forth from my lips. I’m glad I changed the ringtone. It puts things in perspective and gives me time to find the right time.
There’s a story about the ringtone. I’m in Chaplain Academy and Chaplain Mark is a great teacher. He talks about setting boundaries and self-preservation. One time he told a story that went like this…
Imagine yourself swimming in a beautiful ocean at night. The weather is warm and it’s a delightful swim. Suddenly you feel something tug at your leg. It’s a shark. It latches on, twirls you around and yanks you under the water. It’s a shark bite. You die. But, did you know you can be killed by ducks? A little duck just takes a nibble. It hurts but you say, “Oh, that’s just a duck nibble.” Then another nibble, then another, bites later you’re dead. Because you thought a duck bite wasn’t fatal. It was just a nibble. Some people are ducks.
Ducks are often family members who count on us for the super variety pack of favours. They forget your time is yours. They forget you have commitments, bills to pay, obligations outside of family, fill in the ______ fill in.
So, all this to say, in an act of self-preservation, I’ve changed that ringtone, my precious Mother’s, to a duck quack. I did it initially in jest, but after some time, I can say my stress is GREATLY alleviated. I hear a quack. I smile. I know it’s Mom. I know sometimes she’ll hang up after a ring, just “checking her phone,” after all. But now, I can control when I respond. I know the facility would be the one calling if it were critical. I can call back on my own time. I love her and I’m so glad she wants to be in touch. So grateful I can get my kind mouth right when my little duck reaches out to chat with her little duckling.
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